Is Sex the binding factor after marriage

(Based on a true story....names changed for privacy)

Shampa was just twenty years old when she was married ,a simple cultured damsel with very honest dreams and very rigid traditionalist got engaged to a family which was very huge and totally dis-organised.It was a purely arranged marriage but the boy was sixteen years elder to her.She knew the fact but never said anything as somehow she too liked the company of aged people rather than people of her age. She always missed her dad as he was her best friend and now she somehow wanted to fill up the crunch ...... the best would be to have a life partner who could also be like a fatherly figure to her. So she grew up with the preconceived notion that her better half would enhance her life and she could fulfill all her unaccomplished dreams. This unaltered notion made her look out for a life partner who was sixteen years elder to her. Her friends made her  understand that she should marry someone of her age ,but she was never pacified.

Shampa had three sisters and no brothers and parented by single parent ....her mother.Now the family where she grew up was only females never did she have to spend time with any male but it was just the opposite after her marriage. As now her family had more of male members rather than females and to top it up ....everyone was elder to her including her own youngest sister-in law.The 'Sens' as I knew them to be were  a very broad minded people .They never had any restrictions in their family and Shampa was a little confused as how to react to such open-ness as she came from a very rigid background. She tried her bottoms up to adjust with the family but was always a step behind. Now this was just the first night which she had preconceived would be somewhat of introducing each other and becoming friends and much more than that she was excited that she would be talking to a male all alone in a closed room .She was not much used to technology and her mom too never discussed about sex and relationship.So there she was ready to make a new friend for lifetime but LO!! All her flyiombiont dreams was completely smashed when  all the family members started with hoards of advice as to what should be her attitude during the first night but she just couldn't understand that why should anyone discuss about something which was supposed to be behind closed doors. She just couldn't digest the idea that "Was it openness /       broad-mindedness?"She was completely perplexed with all such discussions and finally when the moment came to be behind the closed doors she was already in the tight grip of fear.

As instructed by her mom she just had to make him happy.....but now the question was how? As Sabbir who was thirty five years old could not hide his feelings and started to provoke her without even a formal introduction which she was expecting but on the contrary his first dialouge to her as she remembers was "I have waited for thirty five years for this day and now I just need it right away" Though she was convent educated she really could not understand as to what he actually wanted ?? Saying so he just started cuddling near her As she was already frightened she just shook his hands off from her and turned the other side and went to sleep .....She could see how rudely Sabbir was behaving nearly whole night . So there it was there was absolutely nothing between them whole night but now the reactions Shampa could see as soon as she got up ....as she was flooded with questions from everyone that "Why you didn't allow my brother to touch you..and all such questions..." She just couldn't understand as to how could anyone discuss such things in public....She was really depressed. She thought that she would be getting a new friend in the name of Sabbir but here it was all different .... All was openly discussing about Sex everywhere....including Sabbir.

She started thinking that What Is this institution called marriage exactly means:

* 'Licensed Sex'
* Sex without any friendship
* To satisfy your partner's desires so that he is only confined to you.
* To be used everyday 
* To be remembered when in Lust.
* To be friends only in Bed....?

All such questions baffled her as her pre-conceived dreams of getting a very good friend  after marriage was now totally in ruins .Initially she thought it was okay as he was elder to him but then what ? As she was adjusting He too must adjust and control his emotions and give her some time to open up. Insted of that he every night insisted on that only one thing called "Sex".

And Shampa thought after the dark night maybe he would count on her in the morning in front of the family for his personal advice , or his future planning , but it was all in vain ...her pain of the night still remained as he who was so close and understanding at night became very pessimistic in the morning.....avoiding her all the way . He just behaved as if she didn't exist for him . Shampa too was so confused ,her innocent mind just could not gallop all the rejection and acceptance by her  own hubby which just came in leeps and bounds .

SHE NOW UNDERSTOOD THAT IT IS SEX THAT BINDS THE COUPLE TOGETHER RATHER THAN WHAT SHE THOUGHT.....WOULD BE FRIENDSHIP

She always keeps on asking that what she should do ? why such Hippocratic behaviour? Night he  desires  and morning just avoids her .....

I really couldn't pacify her as I feel that we all are sailing in the same boat to some extent  .......

FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN OPPOSITE SEX IS ALWAYS CLUBBED WITH DESIRE......

Minu was married and at the ripe age of fourtyplus she enjoyed small words of praise for her. And without realizing she too enjoyed the words said by her son's friend.She thought that there was nothing wrong in such a friendship ,but when a simple friendship turned out to be her heart's desire she didn't knew.

Minu was just forty plus and also happily married mother of a young handsome boy of twenty one years of age,this was the time  when she needed lot of attention of her family but everyone was engaged in the quest for establishment and somehow everyone started taking her granted .They had forgotten that she too had some feelings which needed to be nurtured and it was at this crucial moment that her neighbour's son Sonu who was just twenty eight years old and always at home started to mingle with her subdued feelings. Minu though in the beginning only entertained his shattered dreams and tried to implant only positivity in him .Minu's son was also Sonu's friend but her son was working in a reputed company and Sonu still jobless.
Sonu too was going through a very difficult phase of his life he was an engineering dropout with IT skills and here no job to evade,so he too needed someone to talk his feelings out .It was at this time that Minu tried to council him and slowly slowly they became very good friends .Now even they started chatting if they couldn't meet. He used to share everything with her and she too loved to listen to him for hours together they chatted throughout the night.This went on for some months and now both started liking each other Sonu started openly expressing his feelings for her over his chats though initially Minu resisted his feelings but later on she too loved to talk to him.It was only he who understood Minu and her dreams . Minu couldn't understand her feelings as she enjoyed every moment when she was with him.Many a times she asked me whether it was allowed to think about someone so much right? "I thought so" would be my answer.
Now their friendship went on for one and a half years and during this whole period of friendship they never touched each other but only spent time in long chats ,sometimes about their job crisis and sometimes about his desires to meet her once alone.
Minu now after a year and a half decided to go out with him as he had requested many a time about it .She was very happy to spend a full day with him together very close to him,continuously gazing at each other but just speechless. Minu all the time went on asking "Sonu I hope this is allowed in friendship," and Sonu of course liked to be with her most of the time .
Now this went on for few days but one day her husband wanted to go out with her to see where she was going and with whom ? This disturbed her very much she quickly texted Sonu as it was not possible to go to his house and inform him not to come that day.Everything was done but Minu made a mistake she forgot to delete the last message from her mobile and here everything went Topsy -turvy her husband bursted out with lot of questions after coming home ,though her son trusted his mother and of course his friend told his Dad " Daddy please trust mom .After all Sonu is my friend how can you believe mom to do such a thing?"
This question further tormented Minu as she knew she was not doing anything wrong only that she loved to be in his company , but it was also true that she was hiding everything from the family .....but she couldn't help she really couldn't understand whether it was Desire or Friendship???......

CHALLENGES FACED BY A MOM…..

        I never knew about the deceiving challenges as I was stepping into this new endeavor .I just took it for granted that it would be the same as any other endeavor. But lo! The challenges which clustered my way was creeping slowly in my clean mind depleting it with never–ending queries.

The Herculean task of installing all the good qualities in my newly conceptualized creation was not at all easy. It was not that I never loved my new post, neither that it was forced to me but still I was in a dilemma that what should I do next?

But it was proved to be very smooth in the very beginning when my partner in love to started taking the responsibilities himself….It really feels good when you see Him working for the kid. It boosts up your motherhood and enables you to dedicate your whole time and energy for your kid…. And now there was no looking back but the boulders which  always curbed my move were....

* If your child is thin - Why don' t you feed her?

And this question always demotivates me as to why should I not feed my daughter.But if she is not gaining in weight then how am I responsible? It is not that I am eating away all her food...

*If your child says "NO" for something- You are teaching her to say "NO" for everything

Now why should I teach my child to be negative ,It was also shocking for me to hear such thing from her for the first time but again I am blamed for it.

*If your child throws tantrums than-I think you behaved the same in your childhood

Now my mother would have never seen me behaving in such a way as my child behaves but may be some basic instincts may have been repeated...But how does that signify that I had inculcated it..?

*If she argues with elders - This she has inherited from your family

But how is it possible..?it is easy to blame others and shrug off your shoulders .Specially when you blame it on another family.But how can anybody influence your child...?

All such questions I had confronted throughout a decade but never for a second did I get distracted from my new venture .And now today when it is the time to count the fruits than all come and try to claim their contribution in the child's upbringing. This demotivates you to the core .....as to if the child is soft hearted,  goodnatured , then she inherited it from our family but if she is argumentative than she had inherited it from your family. But anyhow we as mothers always face such challenges...and even successfully come out of it .....
SO, AM PROUD TO BE A MOTHER.....(dedicated to all the mothers)

SOLUTION TO ALL PROBLEMS......love of mummy and daddy (a must read)

I always believed that Love is that binding factor which combines us into that sweet ball called family.Family can only be the barbed wire to remove the oblivion from the mind of the child. For this parents have to bury their indifference and be always in love. I always tried to maintain this aura in my family which to a greater extent worked out and till date we have a Transparent family.We always try to maintain these 'panchsattya' in our small family

* Children should see parents respecting each other - this teaches the children to respect people outside.
*Whatever be the mental situation between parents children should never be able to understand it - if they can understand,then they might become a rebel.
*A tight hug , a small kiss on the forehead always helps - children become very understanding and soft spoken.
*Sleeping together in the same bed with our kids also works out to a greater extent - they start feeling that they are very important for their parents( though this only is extended till the child is a teenager after that they should be given their  freedom).
*Lastly we should never discuss any family related problems in front of kids - this makes them feel that they are a burden for the family.

But the most important of all is that binding factor between mummy and daddy. I remember once my neighbor's Mr and Mrs Sen who was a newly wed couple had a great fight and Mrs Sen had started walking out of the house but it was then that  a patrolling policeman saw her and logged a complain against her husband and on that ground the husband had to face the music of the police.It was then that we had to intervene they being our neighbor we had to finally assured the police and bought the couple home . Not only this there were several other small fights which this newly wed neighbor always had.
All this had disturbed my teenaged daughter and she went on asking that " Why do people marry,if they have to fight?"  It was great pain to explain her and we after that decided never even to conversed in a loud tone and my husband made it a point to give me a tight hug whenever I was sad , or depressed because of work pressure and vice-versa. We always created an aura of love and respect for each other and always followed the 'PANCHSATTYA'.



This we did it for our kids .... thus I feel we should abolish all our difference and follow the PANCHSATTYA.

AM I GOOD MUMMY.....???

This have always hovered my mind since the time I conceptualized .Some questions had always baffled me ...


*Am I ready for this new endevour?
*Would I prove to be a good mother for my kids?
* How could I be a good mom when I myself couldn't make the right decision for  me?
* What values would I teach?
* How could I guide when I myself needed the guidance of my MOM?


These five questions always perplexed me as to why I am unable to decide . As I had not planned to be a mother in the initial stage , it had happened accidentally , but now what.....?
Of course I had to move ahead, I had eight months to go ,so what .,...I just had to prepare myself for the new endevour. Initially I kept talking with my mom and asking her about her parenting skills ,she helped me a lot to curb out the darkened thoughts which had aroused the dilema. I decided that first I had to remove all the subdued fears which hallucinated me and this was my start. I did it  .....I fell in love with my baby in the womb.I talked with her in my pensive mood and the happiness I gained created an aura which I feel is the binding factor of the mother and the unborn.

I was getting stronger day by day and also ready for my child .I thought that I could take care of my child without any help. But as days passed again my fears started curbing in ....Now she started going to school and her grades were not that overwhelming , I started blaming myself for the same ...It was here that I again needed my Mother for her guidance ,she like an angel always had a solution to all my problems .....So there I was .... I proved to be a good Mother (as all her teachers say till date ) and even the young mothers ask for my guiding tips for their child makes me thumbs up that finally I have proved myself......

MARRIAGE WITHOUT DATING....

I too had dreamed of this moment for so long. As a damsel always tried to be very obedient to what my mom said so was not involved with any boy-friends. I had just kept that other side of my life completely unfolded.It was in no way that I was unromantic or didn't love the company of boys but still I felt there are certain things which should be unfolded only after the bond.
I just had a pic of him and with that started dreaming of my future endevour with his pic , he on the other hand tried to meet me once before marriage  but some how my mom came to know of it and she insisted that my younger sister be with me always. So there I was going to tie the nuptial bond blindfold. There was a sense of subdued fear but only one rescue ...my fiance too had not seen me for once.
So there I was with all my subdued fears ready for a blind date .Ours was completely traditional marriage and so I first saw him when he garlanded me . I was too shy to see him directly so just was trying to peep out here and there . I looked at him publicly but made the situation too different as to i was just calling out to my sister. I saw him also staring at me but he was too direct.This was our first gaze. I was too nervous for the first night as for the first time I would be locked in a room with some male. But his was altogether a different feeling his contentment was flashing through his inward eye. Such was my blind date .
After a few days he asked me whether I was happy with him . I was surprised as to Why he was asking such a question . Those days I used to talk shyly with him but still asked "Why this question?" He too couldn't express himself and just went on asking me the same question "Are you happy with me ?" Now I thought what was wrong with him .Why was he again and again asking the same  question .I decided whatsoever be the consequence I needed to ask him ?
So that night when came to the room I very softly asked him ," Can you please tell me what made you feel that I am not happy ?" First he tried to avoid but then he said ,"If you are happy with me why don't you call my mom ?I never saw you  calling her mom you just go near her but not for a single moment you called her "Mom".Why?
Now I understood what was the reason ,actually in the beginning his mom always looked to me as my granny so it was very difficult for me to call her Mom.I just started laughing my guts out for the first time after my marriage  knowing that he cared for me so much.
But from that day hence I made it a point to call his mom specially whenever he was nearby. There were many such small issues that I had to overcome as our age gap was around a period of sixteen years and all the family members were elder to me . I took some time to get adjusted to the family but with the able guidance e of my blind date I made it possible.....

5.My New Venture......

5.MY NEW VENTURE

After around Seven years of long stay in the commercial capital I was now quite used to the challenges which every middle class citizen had to face here in this city ,I too had accepted all the facts and in this context I wanted to join hands with my partner in love to curb out the economic crunch which we were undergoing at that time.
So here I was a teacher in profession who just loved to take new challenges and once again everything was stream-lined. But one thing always troubled me that my cutee pie was all alone at home and very eagerly she waited for me to come back home. I just wanted her to be with someone and it was then that we decided for our new venture....Of course it was not very much like a venture but rather a new beginning for all of us as I too needed someone and that of course could be my baby. So it was all set that we have to make all the preparations for welcoming the new member of the family.And here too I got all the help from my seven year old cutee. She was very excited  about the very concept as to she would be getting a talking doll to play with her and here we both were happy that our cutee would get her long-awaited friend forever.
But now as parents our responsibility increased as  we had to prepare her for the new member.We had a subdued fear that whether she could adjust with her as she was already seven years a big gap to pull.
Normally it is always believed that the first child feels insecure after the arrival of the second so in such challenging situations the responsibilities lies on the parents as to how to prepare the first child . She eagerly went on waiting for her sissy.She very carefully started saving all her toys to play with her sissy.
Then when the final day came when she would get her doll she was more excited as we were frightened how could she stay without me? This was the first time I had to part from her I too didn't like it but it was she a seven year old child told me that  " Mama don't worry I am a big girl now , I will take care of myself.You just bring my little sissy home."That was what she really meant my cuteepie really grew up suddenly taking care of her father at home and here waiting for her sissy in the hospital with me .At that time none of my family members were here and in hospitals they require female members to help the nurse and whenever the nurse would shout call the female member from the house then my cuteepie would be standing and this became the talk of all the hospital nurse but I knew my doll was all set for our new member.I saw her running out to the baby room whenever any baby would be crying and tell the nurses that "Please give me my sissy in my lap she  is crying too much .If I take her in my lap she would be quite ."Her passion went on growing and she would keep standing near the baby room for hours together ....
I decided that I cannot leave my cutee alone so I decided whatever time I would be in the hospital I would be with my cutee and cutee's sissy. This was how we prepared her for the new member.

Here at home too she was always caring about her sissy helping me in all the things clubbed with all her personal work which now she managed it herself .I was really surprised to see the drastic change  in my cutee.....